All paths in search of a better life to all should be respected.

I have not been writing because of a profound reason. It is really scaring to tell why. Yet I believe it is true the deep truth that we can reach somewhere that is really valuable. First I must say that it is not that easy to write. I am fighting to recover my abilities. I am certain that many people who I love will be shocked buy this but I ask you to respect that I have chosen a path that most people would not.


Last year in January I lost my dear friend Leila Alaooui and I hope I can see her film I heard about there is.  Last year I also lost my doctor Dr. Getulio. Ironically, it was in Morocco that I had my first epileptic attack, and when I came to Brasil I met Dr. Getulio who will be forever my dear doctor and friend. We were profoundly different. He once said that I would die in Asia, and I said he would die of running. I was right, and I hope he is right. It does not mean I want to die now. I hope that death that comes to us all, I hope mine will be in Asia. I remember . I remember being in two funerals in  v Thailand. I Was   told we should smile and think about the good memories,  even if we suffered we should let the person  live, we should not cry and ask the person to stay.


So, when last year I lost these two people I had a stroke. As I was in hospital I met an older lady Fatima, who had been in and out of hospital for 30 years. She was there alone. As Andre came to visit me, I asked him to bring her a letter and chocolate and as he was there I bought a ticket to go to Burma alone, since Andre and I were moving to Peru.


I was told by my new Dr that I could die in Burma. I replied would all will die one day. I prefer to die in the street, in my house,  and in Asia than in hospital. Today I would say it even stronger. I prefer to live, than to fight to survive in a hospital.


As came back from Asia I was told there that cortisone would harm me. I was taking 40 mg.  I decided to search for a Chinese doctor. It took more than 10 years, in many continents, for western medicine diagnose my Cerebral Vasculitis. That took me losing my doctor and Leila, a stroke to be declared in the west hospital to say. It took one picture of my eye for Dr Pan to say the same.


I quit western medicine. Taking Gardenal for my promise to Getulio and 5 mg of cortisone and acupuncture. When my grandmother was sick, I came to Brasil and augmented cortisone alone to 20. As I came to Peru ( where I live) to suddenly to get diarrhea, and then an epileptic attack. My parents wanted me to go Brasil. I decided and declared I did not want to. I decided to observe and ask Dr Pan what to do.


He told me I should think about it less. When it happened to stop and breathe deeply. To observe what it was happening. Andre who is very observing he immediately realized it happened in specific situations.  I stated to pay attention and he was right.


I started to pay attention. It first seemed in the street when I was about to cross the road. That took me back to accidents I had been in.  I had every time I had to take a decision. Andre realized I would have when he would contradict me, when there was a change in the plan, even a joke. It was amazing because once he said it I went to search for what Lama Lobsang had said.


“Julieta, you should not feel bad. You are quite blessed. You are beautiful, intelligent, you have a very good life.”

“Lama, I don’t know whether my brain is destroying itself or not.”

“Julieta, learn this. Your enemies are your best friends.”

I enquired whether it was in the sense of impermanence. And he agreed but followed

“ your enemies, or any adversity that you have are the only true things that allow you to practice compassion and patience. And only when you practice compassion towards your manifested enemy, you will understand your “enemies” are but a reflection of your internal enemies. Those go with you wherever you go. So when you encounter a manifested enemy you have a real chance to practice compassion, and see the real enemy comes from within. That is the hardest thing to do, to be compassionate to yourself. And only when you can feel compassion to yourself you can start to be free from suffering .”


As I read it I was taken aback. I remembered of compassion, and Patience. Nothing I remembered of being inside of us. As I read it I decided to share with so many people since I felt that it applied to so many people. I even send it to Fatima that lady who had spent 30 years in hospital. To my surprise, she was in hospital now.


I made this strong declaration to my parents and I had huge support of my mother and my father attacked me with fear. He spoke death is not bed. But you can stop  being able to write, to talk, to walk. That scared me, but not enough. I  decided I would stay in this path. I even started to do my own acupuncture to be free. I am happy to tell you that after weeks I have been the past 3 days without an epileptic attack. In fact, these weeks I have been happy about Happy Losar (Tibetan year) while still having partial seizure.


Today I met a boy in his 30 who is paralyzed. I met him in the pool. He is from Canada and he became paralyzed in when he  was 18.  We spoke so much.  He is seeing the world alone. He drives a campervan. He teaches snowboarding. He plans to go after to South Africa. Like me he sees his disease as a bless.


I can imagine that it is hard for most people to understand that.  The fact it is that sometimes we need a very hard moment to  pay attention to what really  matters in life.  We are all very different. Yet we are human beings. I remember when I met HH Dalai Lama and he said   “takes from BUdism what makes sense to you. Value the religion and the culture of the place where you come from.


I am glad to say that it took me these very hard days to be remembered that the path I chose is to see the deep reality of things. I have been noticing in the hard difficulty came with this epileptic attacks, came lack of speech, loss of vision, despair. I simply did not search for something to take it away, to not mask it, I felt that I was being told by my body that I should pay attention. I should not  artificially remove it. Like Lama Lobsang said, it would come with me everywhere. My grandmother made me put her medicine in the trash because it took away her consciousness. “I prefer consciousness even if the price is pain”, she said. I decided I have taken this path before but now I wanted to stay in what is happening and to look what really is behind.  I was surprised that we carry a lot of  memories, of addictions, failures.


I am sure many people read this and want to give me a wake up call. I feel more alive than ever. Even if it is hard to right this. I am even sure I had a strong inflammation in my brain these weeks. However I feel ( since I can tell you) that I am getting better, of course will edit it :😊.


I do not want a medicine that takes me from what really is happening. I do not want to paint my hair. I want to learn to accept life as it is. I want to learn to not get in bed synapses.  I am not tell you to do the same. I am simply saying that I am very happy with Andre is next to me. Andrei from afar  gave me inspiration to write again and to cross his country and dream of Andre : Russia


I accept what ever path you took. I ask you to respect mine. If by chance I die I declare I will die happy because I am living deeply. I hope I will be able to write you from our new trip to Asia and Russia. I hope all that I tell you will be the truth. I hope you all are happy. If I have hurt you without even realizing it I apologize.



I miss Leila and Dr Getulio  and Lama Lobsang. But I do know that they left doing what they love.








The Train of Impermanence- Macchu Picchu

I climb fast the Machu Picchu. I had been there in about 10 or 12 years ago. I was amazed by it. This time I was amazed because it reminded me Cambodia with tons of people taking pictures. It felt more important registering their presence than actually being there. I felt sad and disappointed. I sat down while Andre went to see the place. It was my birthday and I felt sad.



I could no longer climb the Huayna Picchu this time because I had to have bought a ticket, and there was soooo much people doing it. While Andre walk I saw people controlling the travellers with a whistle. You can no longer touch the llamas.


Andre as usual found a road that was more quiet and I walked there. He claim and  explain to me the obvious there are too many people in the world. And more people should be allowed to see it. If I wanted to go to a non populated place we should go to the less known places.It was true and I think now about Kyrgyzstan.


I proposed to go down and try to take a train back to Ollantaytambo sooner. There was a strike last week so I was uncertain whether it would be possible. What I was not prepared for at all was for the queue to take the bus down to Aguas Calientes. That took more than an hour in the queue.



By the time I arrived in the train station I actually told Fernando (the officer) it was my birthday  and he found a train. Andre and I were sitting separated. I set with 3 germans and he sat with 3 chineses. And as the train started I was happy.

The day was beautiful. The road is beautiful and suddenly I was totally taken aback. Tons of people started to sing Feliz Cunpleanos. And there was a cake being brought to me. It was written Feliz Dia Julieta.

I could not believe it. One of the Germans stood up and gave his place to Andre. The children next to me tell me  to blow the candle and make a wish!  I cried and shared my cake with whoever wanted. I was so taken by it that I cried.

The responsible for this is surprise is this guy Fernando who I  don’t t even know how to call and say thank you.

The train suddenly seems to be like Disney but I was not so unhappy about it. Maybe it is my most selfish side that made me sorry that I felt sad so many people were in the Machu Picchu. Suddenly there was a dancer in the train and pulled me to dance. I danced in a moving train. Then there was a fashion show.

We were rather surprised and with mixed feelings. Were these guys happy to be now models? Or were they doing it because there was no other way?


When I arrived back to Ollantaytambo I felt very happy. Many people don’t care about this village bt I love it. It is more calm. Some parts of it reminds me of India. There are tuk tuks, there are peruvians asking to takes pictures with me. The soup with Ginger remembered me of India.

I am very thankful that I could walk that much. It is hard that I do not see as well as I used to before my stroke. So in my enormous luck I am remembered by Andre of Lama Lobsang.



Once I was asked to take clothes to a Tibetan Lama in England who became a dear friend. One day I was desperate. I was so afraid of Sclerosis and he dissolve it. Andre did the same. They tell me not to fall in a non stop thinking.


Lama Lobsang heard me vomiting my fear, and anger and he said nothing. He cooked me food. By the time I was very calm, almost sleeping he told me “Remember you were angry?”


That immediately triggered all my thoughts and feelings. And he told me things now and then I remember.


“Julieta all is impermanent. This is just a stream of thought. You are alive, beautiful, free, rich, educated. Your enemy is your best friend. Only in front of difficulty you have the real option to be patient and compassionate.”


That day I felt I was given the gift my of life. He meant anyone who is alive is rich. In any second there are possibilities to chose the right path. That I should recognise all the good things there are all over the world in the life of any sentient being. Now and then I remember it. It always comes with a loss.


I am thankful of my life. I am even grateful to my coma, my stroke to see less. All of this obliges me to remember that moments that are hard have always been accompanied by amazing people. It reminds me that I had let my mind flight in mode of light. This is too fast.


Dr. Pan tells me when there is too many thoughts and energy in me I should breathe slower and deeper. I should listen to Classical music.

From my different birthday will always remember me how much I love being in movement. Nothing is permanent. It is all impermanent. It remembers me the indigenous that told me that life is breathing. So while I breathe slower I will try to keep always walking. I celebrate with Andre and so many strangers. I wish to everybody and myself to have a happy life in spite of their difficulties are in their paths. All is impermanent be glad where you are.

Less Pain is impossible but less suffering is a Path.

When I decided to stop with allopathy I never thought nothing would happen. I decided I would wait. For a while I have barely not used facebook or whatsapp. And suddenly I was invaded by a huge headache. That was ok. I kept going to Dr. Pan. Considering I was not using the internet not many people would know about that.
Suddenly I started to hear voices. There were many stages to this. I told Andre and no one else. It was clear to me that I was having an inflammation in my brain.

 I decided that I would not tell any doctor about it. And eventually the headache was gone but the voices stayed. Only when I was better I told my mother about it, my parents got totally desperate.

My father begged that I would talk to Dr. Eythimia and I did it. She knew there was nothing to bring me back to allopathy. She heard me, and asked me to ask Dr. Pan if he knew what Cerebral Vasculitis is and whether he knew I took no longer cortisone.

So, as I go back to him and I asked it. To be brief he sad he had always told me on the first day that from 40 mg cortisone I could never go to 0. I should not stop it. I should go down and stay  with 5. Funny enough this is exactly what Andre remembered and I did not.

The reason I say this now is because it is fundamental to state that my decision never came without fear of becoming paralyzed. So, when Dr Pan told me he knew what was a brain inflammation and the risks and that I should take 5 mg. I cried and I took it.

I asked what should I do to be less nervous, which sports? What should I do?

Dr Pan is 80. He is Chinese and I absolutely trust him. He puts a needle in my face and when I ask why? He tells me there are too many thoughts in my brain. I should be calmer. For that I should listen to classical music. As for sports to walk, to dance, yoga, or swimming. I should never run considering that liberates too much adrenaline.

He tells me to eat more because I need more energy. I should cut coffee. Since I loved it…. I should at least drink it less. And most importantly simply try to remain calmer.

As he spoke I cried and told him I would walk home. It is 8 km.
“Don’t do that. It is too much. You should walk 2 and augment it very slowly.”

Being me, I walked back home. Since my phone died, I started asking people directions. I had no idea but I do know I walked at least 10 km.

I told Dra. Euthymia, and she said, wisdom is not in the east, nor the west, it is in humanity.
Today I took Andre considering the fact that I always hear what I want. And luckily he repeated I should take at least 5mg and that he had a patient that had the same disease for the past 29 years and this other guy is very well.

Dr Pan was right I walked too much yesterday but I told Andre we should walk today. While I was receiving needles he found out a path under the trees.

Here in Lima it rains so little that some cars don’t even have windshield wipers. So when we walked back through trees and gardens I was beyond belief amazed. How could they survive here?

 I was lucky to see someone who waters the garden but also explained that there was a duct under this enormous road. The hidra works is amazing.

I walked feeling loads of pain in my leg and told Andre I am grateful I have this pain because it means I feel. It means I can still walk.

Andre kept telling me I should not think about becoming paralysed.

But the real fact is that I am thankful. As I looked these path full of trees, gardens, flowers I kept thinking all these beauty depends on the nature and in the care of some amazing people.

This is the same case of me. My life is wonderful. It is not wonderful because it is perfect. It is wonderful because the nature is providing so much and Andre, Dr Pan, Euthymia, my grandma, my parents , my brother, my friends wish me so much well.

Haiko, who is my ex husband and a dear friend told me these days “You love live so much that you always recover.”

I am beyond thankful to Andre because he never scared me because of my choice, he is always next to me. Like these beautiful trees that survive here could not be alive without the engineer who made this water system. Nor could I. Never in my life I thought I would be so tied to an Engineer 🙂

Pain and suffer are too things that are very different. My choice made be thankful. It is not because I no longer have pain nor fear. I am thankful because André is always next to me helping me to suffer less.

Landing in Reality by suspension of Facebook and Whatsapp

The picture I remember the most is one that I simply never took it in 2010. I was in Israel and my friend Netanel told me so much. And suddenly he decided to take me to the ceiling of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. While Jerusalem was full of tourists the ceiling of the church was empty. There is a village there. Netanel explained to me there was an Ethiopian village there. He explained that it dated to queen Sheba and Solomon. I was shocked by this story and suddenly I could  see something like an open  house. I walk towards it. The door was a green cross. It was open. I could see many black priests. They set in silence. I was taken aback. I had a camera but I felt I should not take a picture. I would take an eternal picture. I stood in silence looking for so many minutes. I never took it. Yet it is the picture I know the most. I remember the temperature. The colours. The door.  The people. I never took a picture. I felt I was rather blessed to be so lucky to be taken by my friend who is Jewish, I was an atheist and we were watching the silence of the Ethiopian Christians.  I felt I was in a sacred moment. There was no need to take pictures of it. The value would be taken away by a simple photo.

Why do I say this now? I have just returned from Brazil. I got a call at night to find out that my grandmother was sick. I ran to the airport and took the first plane. For a month I spent almost every single second with my grandmother. I barely did not use facebook and whatsapp. When I went to see my friend and neurologist we spoke about the disease of this period on the world. Depression, auto-imune etc. She told me her 8 year old wanted to have a cell phone. She gave her daughter an option. Either a phone, or the  reality of life. The 8 year old preferred real life. She told me that a cell phone was rather terrible for the development of a child.

As I came home I started to think about what on earth was the phone doing to me, to  us to adults? Adrenaline, dopamine, anxiousness, growth of Ego.  I started to think about how many people stay all the time with a phone in their hands. How many times have I distracted myself from what I need to deal with?

Immediately it became clear to me how controlled I felt by it. It made me realise that my phone beeped so many times and it took me away from where I was. How nervous I had become by sending a message?  how anxious I  would become while waiting an answer?   How many groups was I invited to be in?  How many messages? So I made a drastic decision. I would try to cut it and be out.

I started to remember my time in India. I had no phone. I remember that I usually sent collective e-mails because I loved writing but I never felt like I had to be telling people where I was all the time.

So, when I sent a message in portuguese ,English that I would block everybody. And I would no longer use Facebook for one month. I wrote saying that I was rather concerned of how hard it would be but things happened rather interestingly.

My parents agreed. My father suggested going back to letters. My dear friend Paula sad I should not block e-mails. Laura understood it. Fellipe understood it. Alondra told me “You have my number when you are close you call. Michal also understood it. My dear friends fully understood it.

People who barely know me were against. So, it makes sense, they don’t know me nor the life that I love.

I love the life that does not  collaborate with planning, nor norms, nor etiquette, nor codes. I love the life where you simply love life. We accept the falls, the pains, the losses the diseases. And we gain through this path friends all over the world. Every single one of them know that facebook images of loves, like etc does. What matters is the present momen. Life is like a river. I guess I want every single one totally free to be not trapped by codes.

To be quite honest in less than a week it is  already great. I do not feel like to go back to whatsapp, nor Facebook.

Dr Karen is partially correct.She says Children is not adequate to be  online and to have a phone. I would add nor am I? It disturbs my sleep. my eating. my emotions. my relationships. my ability to be where I am.

I am realistic to know that for many people it is very important for their work.  However, there is a way to limit it.  My life has become much better without whatsapp. Without facebook.

The reason why I spoke of that picture it is simply because I was there. I remember so well. I put so much effort to put it inside of me. I know the smell. I know the temperature. I remember these men. The thousand of pictures I have I look and does not mean much.  It is just a photo. I feel like I have landed once again in reality.



An accident, a sudden pain and eventually the freeing awareness

Yesterday I was in an accident. I was rather calm at the time. And as I came home I felt tired, actually rather exausted. I kept trying to remember every second of the day. And suddenly I asked Andre to look my teeth and he says ” I think it is broken”.
It is fundamental to say I had never had pain before I had this information. Or as the buddhist would say I had pain but I did not suffer. Once I was informed about it the pain seemed bigger. I contacted Ilda and we sent her a photo. She is my mother’s best friend and she is a dentist. She tells me it is broken I have to go to a dentist.
I tell my dear new friend Isabel. I met Isabel in a Buddhist event here in Peru. Like me she has deep respect for Tibetans. In her enormous generosity she made me feel somehow home in Peru. She introduced a part of her family.

Isabel tells me about a great Dentist here. She gives the info and her daughter calls me to also give me confort. I hang up and an amount of sadness invades me.

Andre keeps nourishing me, and telling me it is all fine. I had written in Portuguese that once you experence those things you remember the sentence “life is impermanent”. Together with that sentence , later came memories. 

Me in an accident in Brasil when I was a teenager and teeths got broken. Someone had died. Comes an epileptic attack in Morocco. Comes Leila and Mounia to my mind. Comes me in hospital in Brasil and my brother rescuing me. Comes me being in coma in 2013. Comes another accident in India when someone else died.

So many thoughts came. I was filled by sadness. I do not eat. André kept telling me. “You said you could have died, but you did not” And I tell him “Why did it happen?” He replies that there was no reason. And I kept thinking I was missing it.

Some weeks ago I was wathing Monja Coen who is Zen Buddhist explaining that everytime something happens there is a reason behind. We can’t usually see it. Especially when those things trigger something inside of you.
I go once again to Dr. Pan. I am not sure whether I told you about Dr. Pan. He is Chinese. I found him by miracle. He did one exam and he found out in one look at my eye I had a problem “inflamation of my vain in my Brain”. Pretty much the Vasculitis that took more than 9 years to be found out about. I love Dr. Pan. And I miss Getulio.
It is so hard to find a real good acupunturist. Even harder to find one that is 80 and is sooo humble. As I am there today I get to call Dr. Luis the dentist I am told about. And he is generous enough to open up a space to see me in his lunch time.
I sit there. He takes pictures. And then tells me I have a dental cavity in the tooth next to the broken one. I started to cry. No, not out of saddness. And to most people you should think it is silly. I cried because the reason was there. I feel entirelly happy I broke a tooth that showed me not only a new doctor, but another problem that came without pain. It showed me and reminded me that for months I barely ate, I did not brush my tooth as I should, nor bathed as I should. In a small hidden part was a serious evidence I am still mourning.

So these tears came as a blessing. An answer. This accident made me look backwards and to find out there was something to realise: it was that we must nourish our lives. Every single part of our bodies. Every single person who passes by us. As Mafalda says thoses are blessings and others are lessons. We have to value every second because we will all leave but we must leave consciously.  
I thank every single friend I have. When I write it like this it is because my life has made me aware we are all connected. In my case, my dear friends are all over the world. I thank you for being part of my life.


Julieta de Toledo Piza Falavina

The attempt to say a little and a lot about my time in Burma.

Since I have been writing this in different languages. Sometimes I wonder weather I already sad that. 

So I will attempt to add it all here.
In about two months I had mild stroke. I was found with Cerebral vasculitis. I had tickets to to fly to Israel and I wanted to visit my friends from Israel and from Palestine. I was told to cancel.

One month later I had another inflammation in my brain and from hospital I bought a ticket to come to Burma. People where rather concerned but there was nothing to be said my deep desire to come here would not be killed one more time.

I flew and met amazing people. In Mandalay I became friends with Mr Win who is in his sixties and who spoke well English. His father had worked for the British. From Mr Win I was told part of the history. 

Aung San was killed in 47, independence of Britain happened in 48. He had left 3 children Aung San Su Chi, and Aung San Oo who lives in the Us and a dead child. 

Su chi returned in 88 to fight against the Military Junta and was put in house arrest for 6 years. In 2011 there were frauded elections that put General Thein Sein in power. And only in 2016 did Tink Jaw who was not from the military but rather the son of a famous writer won with apparently massive support.

At the time I was told by Mr Win he believed disbelieving and took me going to Bagan, Yangon, Kalaw, and Inle Lake to understand a bit more of what really that meant.
Both Bagan and Inle are extremely touristic and beautiful but they never enchanted me as much as Kalaw. 

And so I learned in Inle that in 49 the prime minister became Unuk. There was extreme influence from both China and India and the desire of separation of many states.

From what I understand there are 7 states and 7 divisions. Being the states Cachin, Cayá, Cayín, Moon, Tchín and Chan. And the divisons Mandalay, Yangon, Pagô, Ehaudí, Tanin Tají and Sokai.

Since Unuk could not keep all states together, I am told by a man who seemed to adore the Junta that in 48 General Niwin started to take power and in 62 he declared that there is no possibility for communism nor separations.
Niwin is followed by General Sómo in 88 and in 1992 it is General Their Suí, in 2010 it is Thein Sein who calls for the “fake” elections. 

It is important to say that while the west made his boycott which never comes from real concern to people, but probably economic influence  China and Thailand did not.

Most of my time I have spent in Chan. I love it here. However my friends here come from here, from Nepal and from Yangon. The Nepalis are from Gurka’s families and apparently differently than in Brazil mixigenation is not common. Marriages are either arranged or by love.

So then by me asking the whole world I meet loads of Asians here. And while Mr Win misses the British, in Inle Lake the man seemed to miss the generals, the youth who is educated is rather pessimistic.

They openly talk about the fact that this new democracy works for the reach. It creates new laws, new taxes and new fees. My beloved Kalaw is being bought by reach people from Mandalay or Yangon.

The mountains are permeated by plantations of local groups. The elderly do not speak Burmese, they speak their local language. Children do because they go to school.

I stayed here 5 days left and returned for more 5 days. By this time not only I am invited to eat for the past three nights in Min Min house, but I learned their customs , I bring gifts and last night I was given gifts from locals.

How can I possibly explain how moved I am by everything. How thrilled I can walk more then 20 kms every single day. I am thrilled to be recognised here not as a common tourist who simply thinks about them selves but to be recognised by the manager of my hotel as someone who actually really loves here. She gave me a Tamei (local clothes)last night so that I would have something from Chan.

I was moved beyond belief to get a scarf from Tara( Min Min’s wife), to learn how to put it by Thutu who studied in Uni Pali and Buddhism. I truly hope those who come this way can give these people the real value they have.

The world is going through the same phase all over. Some of us are so lucky that we can escape that. Virginia is from America she quit her life 2 years ago. She is in Ko TAO, Thailand guiding scuba divers. She did not give herself to disapointme t and returned home. She stayed and is here to renew her visa. Just like me she looked a special place.

We are not consumists of the resources of the world. We are the privilege ones who can choose to go down in our pains , we stand up and we search for beauty. 

I am so happy she heard me when I told her Min Min was great. I am so happy she could really see the depth and the beauty of being here. It is not Disney beauty. It is the beauty of life.

So, while our world is choosing this path of total exploration of resources, exploitation of people we are in a different path. This path of profound knowledge of the other which is self knowledge. We know is for few and we understand different people want different things.

With its limits there is Internet. And we can through time remain in contact. Like I have done with some people I met in Asia for years.

It has been 6 months since Leila Alaoui has departed. I have put letters in a pagoda but none was so important like here. Kalaw is my new little home in Asia and I am about to go to see Min Min, then Mr Win then Nong Khai.

Yes , I tried before 3 times , in the third time I almost died in Bangkok. I was in a coma. When I woke up the world that I knew and love no longer existed. I was abandoned, I had loss of neurones. Life had no meaning anymore. And when I did not die one day the anger disappeared, the ability to love was given to me again, my desire to come here was wildly awaken.. And now I can simply say Thank you. 

It has been 5 months since Leila Alaoui has left us.

Nabil Reminded me today that it has been 5 months that Leila has left us. He told me if I went to a temple Leila would be with me.
In my mind I decided to take a page of my red book and to write Leila a letter. 

In it I told her I had learned from Dra EUthymia that mourning had 4 steps. 

First is was denial, When we don’t want to believe that death has happened, 

Second  was anger which is when we get angry to someone, to even the person who departed, or even to ourselves for our mistakes. 

Third comes a moment of feeling life has no meaning anymore without the person who left. That part could last 6 months. If  we notice we are still there we should look for help. 

And finally, the fourth time would be happy nostalgic feelings. We would remember of the person with joy, with love, with laughter.
I wrote to Leila saying I was sure she was fine. I recognised my guilts and my love and my concern for Nabil, Christine, Mounia, Soulaimane and Yasmina. I told her about our secrets and put my letter next to the beautiful blue Buddha in the Pagoda of my beloved city Kalaw here in Burma.

What a beautiful pagoda I thought. There were four options of Buddhas and I chose this blue one. I wrote in the letter Fellipe would have thought of her in Africa. I told her she will always be my dear friend. And I will always think of her beloved ones. In my bare foot I departed the pagoda. I feel total gratitude and love. I hope you are all well.

Love Jules